Life is to damned short.Im moving on. If he had always been like that, I would have a different response, but the change means he is hurting emotionally. I dont want him to be something he never was. Similarly Id probably have more fun out my myself, but I also know theyre not compatible with a happy marriage. It puts a cloud over the whole evening. He's no longer interested in intimacy. He is only interested in his own world and his own thing. I married HER. And thats true I do that, he never questions me about my friends. I like different things and my husband does not want to go and explore with me. Want to read articles about divorce & dating? My husband doesn't want kids. However, when my husband and I go to some place, like our sons weekly soccer event, my husband leaves me alone and start to socialize with other couples and men. If they do go out, they may not talk to many people, or cling to you the whole night. I dont demand she does anything. I wish there was. Its been 18 years and I have tried compromise ie go to only a few and Ill be happy. I could persuade him to come in but hes linger forever outside before he finally comes in. Be miserable forever 2. After youve mentally checked out of a relationship, its hard to get the feelings back again, but I do feel were getting there. The author of the novels, Divorced Girl Smiling and Free Gift With Purchase, Pilossoph also writes the weekly dating and relationships advice column, Love Essentially, published in the Chicago Tribune Pioneer Press and the Chicago Tribune online. This fits me to a T. I dont like dealing with big groups because it is draining and exhausting to try to talk over a bunch of loudmouths who never shut up. Feeling empathy for each others opinions, trying to give to one another, and being loyal to making the relationship work are the keys to staying together. It worked! In other words, I'm a good person! The largest and most common problem in this kind of situation comes in the form of jealousy, possessiveness, and other attempts at controlling behavior. I have been married 25 years and I dont do a thing I dont WANT to do. It may feel strange venturing out into the world with forming friendships in mind, and its true that it shouldnt be forced yet the only way to build a social circle is to simply be out there. Its easier said than done, but with the right approach and an open mind, its a problem that can most certainly be solved even if it takes a while. When introverts are ready to call it a night, extroverts are just getting started. I want it to be like it was when we were a childless couple, with the benefit of having the kids in the morning.. He is very social and when I have gone to the neighborhood pub with him, he talks A LOT and with the influence of alcohol, very loud. Because thats what you do for someone you love and to whom you are committed. She has health problems such as cholesterol and still orders $15 worth of junk food against doctors orders. I had nothing in common with them, and I found big groups meant shallow conversations, small talk and drinking and dancing. You cannot change people. Its MUCH better to be alone and happy than deal with stupid women. We'll use this answer, along with your previous ones, to immediately direct you to some free marriage counseling videos for your specific situation. He didnt hear I love you and I want us. I hate going anywhere with my husband and his friends be ause they are all loud, it has to involve drinking and pointless conversation talking about everyone as if we were back in high school. Speak to him about how he feels if you were to invite people over. So back to the advice. Are you feeling lonely and isolated? Coupled with a spouse with no friends to speak of, this can be a glimpse at the real roots of both issues. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA . Knowing that youre out having a good time while hes sulking at home makes him feel envious of those connections, even if he doesnt seem to want to build any of his own. When you picture a husband making phone calls instead of doing the evening dinner routine (cooking, eating, cleaning) and disappearing on weekends instead of fixing the house, what kind of husband comes to mind immediately? BUT, if its causing an issue in the marriage, then its a problem. We had been married over 10 years and had 2 kids. So we go along with a lot we make efforts try to work in your comfort zone but in the end we are lonely and depressed and dont want to just putnon a happy face we want to be happy. Antisocial personality disorder is a mental condition in which a person has a long-term pattern of manipulating, exploiting, or violating the rights of others. Coupled with a spouse with no friends to speak of, this can be a glimpse at the real roots of both issues. 6. I told her, had she stayed and actually was a part of the conversation, maybe things would have been different. Whats the fight about? The words Jackie uses are almost verbatim with what I said to my ex, just add crying and pleading and the words Im afraid and chasm, etc. This isn't a rom com . We share very few friends and almost never go out with other couples or invite them to our house. Online is a great place to start but it cant end there. I had to sell my laptop just for gas money. What should I do? She went as far as inviting me to her friends house, then once she introduced me to her friends husband, she ditched me there. No, we don't mean you should corner him in the room and start blasting him for all the times he's hurt you. When they say things like, You are being very quiet. Get some buddies. Im introverted. Ive suggested that in the past. Ive had to call in sick to work just to get housework and chores done (I work 50 hours a week and I work nights, I sleep during the day) and she goes out and smokes weed or drinks with her friends when she gets off work. After searching for a book club, a musical gathering, a cooking class, a pick-up sports group (or whatever strikes his fancy), the critical part is actually getting out of the house to attend these gatherings. They are afraid of being afraid. First, to the antisocial spouse (or person whose wife is saying "My husband has no friends or hobbies,") you might not think this is a big problem. This blog is hitting home with me. 2. But the truth is that part of being a good person and a (begrudging) part of a community yes, your building is a community is sucking it up sometimes and having a two minute conversation about someone's cat or kid or the weather. Im super antisocial, but I told my wife that I would go out and socialize with her (an activity that I cant stand), but then she would have to go camping with me (an activity that I like and she hates), hour for hour. I am a divorced man who hates going out and cant stand dating. 'My husband doesn't love me. Maybe he doesnt realize it. He put a ring on my finger. You need to at least make an effort when they engage you. He has actually said that I have a problem for wanting him to go and I should see a counsellor. I only go out once every couple of months with my sister whos my best friend. This isnt the movies Its not going to just be as easy as telling your husband to go out and find friends even though thats exactly what you ultimately want to happen. Here's a link to his video again. 3) Give Him Time To Unwind (then Take Yours) 4) Stay in the Right Attitude and Perspective. They are costly to all of the above. y husband and I have a happy family with children and grandchildren, and we share several interests. Depending on the nature of the problems, and especially if severe anxiety is a driving force, its a good idea to seek the help of a professional counselor. Ive been to parties with her, some willingly, and some reluctantly, and the thing is, I would have enjoyed myself more at them had my wife just let me be myself, and not get angry about whether or not I wanted to be there. And therein lies the problem that has kept thousands of introverts . My name is Julie also. The fakies who love to hang in groups dont like that one bit. Be true to who you are and understand that its okay to not want to leave your house or compound. It might be an indication that the person is depressed or has some other issues, but it might not be that, either. Thats pretty butch there Randy, how bout turning it down a notch or two? You can still be there for him and your child but also can be there for yourself. I love to be with other people, chatting or going out to dinner and the theatre, whereas he is much more self sufficient and really dislikes most social situations. The following traits are good signs that your husband may be a narcissist: 1. If your partner is jealous of the time you spend with your friends, you have got two things on your. If you dont come out and ask, the person cant read your mind. Listen to the Divorced Girl Smiling podcast! Also decades ago he has no reason to interact with me, family or my friends, Its been over 40 years since we did anything together. 2. Dont go out with her and then resent her and be mean. Because you are not giving me signs that you care. Wed like you to be the same weight you were when we got married. Eventually it reached a crisis. The man needs to compromise. Why should they be forced to do something they hate? They MUST verbally and explicitly tell the husband to GTFO of the house and schedule time for him to do so. How many times I have tried to start a conversation with other woman and have been snubbed. Many personality types are much better at being flexible in the current moment but not great at planning for the long term. Well, the short answer is that it depends on how that person feels about it Some people are extremely introverted and dont much mind their mostly solo lifestyle, but it may also be a sign of other, deeper problems. You might think, "I'm a good husband and father, I don't cheat, I'm not mean or abusive, and I'm a good provider financially. I have not mention this to him because I really want to take this opportunity to improve a little, but at the same time I dont think its fair, and I dont think being introverted is a flaw or something to be fixed. Ever. He probably goes around telling everyone about all of his "great" accomplishments. The point is that insecurity takes many forms, and even if your spouse doesnt recognize it, its likely at the root of their problems. Its completely different. He's online but doesn't talk to you. Of course, you work. The sappy, romantic, love-letter-like, nearly obsessive social media posts that significant others put out there about each other. How do we put this behind us? Is something wrong? it makes me just clam up even more. I love having people over for dinner and entertaining in my home. If my wife asks me to socialize or attend a function I dont want to go to, I simply say no. Try to enjoy it. I come home to a complete mess every day, sometimes staying awake all day and exhausting myself when I have to leave for work. Relationships with people who are truly antisocial are extremely abusive, and those who are truly antisocial do not possess the ability to truly love another person. Over the years, just like the article said, she began going out with friends more, and even meeting other men behind my back. Its that simple. You can see he's online but he's ignoring your posts or private messages. Ive seen this movie before, and it always ends the same. However, he reluctantly admitted that he was simply selfish. If they consider that rude and unfriendly thats fine with me. Ive stated what I need, time and time again. If your wife or gf is over the age of 25 they should be leaving the socializing and hanging out days behind anyways. What difference does it make to him? I completely agree Phil. I can always find those people that I know I can be myself around. What is the current status of your marriage? Sometimes people just need time for themselves to catch their breath and others need to be understanding. Its very rare for me to come across a guy who does not have simple tastes. Therapy can be very helpful for these kinds of situations. Yes I went out on dates and was somewhat social before we were married. He Acts Better Than Everyone Else. It's essential to show interest in the things your spouse enjoys, even if you don't share the same enthusiasm. Steer him in the right direction if he is unable to keep up. I have no problem going out. Your husband's behavior is coming off as controlling, no doubt. Men should be sexy, so we need to work out. For instance, when a you are with other people you need to be agreeable and be accommodating, polite and considerate. The beauty of life is I dont have to deal with it. What I do disagree with, however, is your contention that this is a character flaw that the antisocial spouse needs to fix. Again, STAND YOUR GROUND men. I feel I could have written this post. If your situation has gotten really hopeless, in other words you dont know what to do about your antisocial spouse, say these words to him: Right now, I really, really care about us and the survival of our relationship. Boy, Ill say. Phil and Kimberley rightly feel like they didnt get acceptance from their ex. If you are a homebody, marry that type of person. But for many of us, that's far from reality. For advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns. Myboyfriend cheated on me with a friend. What makes it worse is we see you happy to chat with your oldest friends. But theyre also the ones that create the drama that ruins relationships. Most husbands work outside the home to provide for the family. On the positive side, you seem to be well aware that you're going to need to reframe this situation if you want to stop being miserable, because otherwise your options are: 1. WEve been married 18 yrs and this issue has only gotten harder. I dont care about anything a 3rd party has to say. That is my issue. Ask if he would like to get his picture taken with you by a professional. I wont deal with it. He doesn't care if you see a counselor, but he's just fine the way he is or so he says. Most people are not interested in the same things he is interested in. Ive tried taking to her about it and it becomes WWIII. Where Should We Send Your Free Marriage Coaching? It is not because we are depressed, have low self-esteem or are just unhappy, although those things may also be true. In short, both my husband and my attitude, is that 'our family' is us, exactly as you defined yours: my husband and I and our two kids. Im an introvert no friends, no hobbies cant handle the phoniness of a gathering of supposed friends and you know Its all fake. I think its unfair to call someone anti-social just because they dont enjoy *your* idea of social occasions. I am an introvert and talk to people I feel comfortable with. It might be the case that he is a different kind of romantic, and you are unaware of how he shows his affection. However, I often find that he has a blast once hes in the moment with friends. When I would tell her what my response was to people who asked, she would get mad that I said that, because she was embarrassed about it. Original reporting and incisive analysis, direct from the Guardian every morning, We want different things. You are going to make more money, and you might not want to share it with him. 1. 8. Too much individualism leads to neglect of the relationship, and too much focus on the marriage alone can make one or both members feel stifled and out of touch with their other social and family relationships. Those feelings really need to be communicated in the relationship. "We had been having problems for a while. I had to withstand the looks of my friends who wondered what his behavior was about. However, despite appearances, I don't hate people. You do for someone you love and to whom you are a homebody, that. Myself, but I also know theyre not compatible with a spouse no. 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